Intimacy, the bonding of two people, is becoming a missing ingredient in our marriages.  Check out these six truths about marital intimacy.

1.  Despite the Hollywood hype, romance and intimacy are not synonymous.

We love romance!  The excitement, the thrill of being pursued, the anticipation, the sweaty palms, the nervous stomach.  Our emotions our sensitized to the point they sizzle.  We become obsessed with spending time together, exploring the feelings, learning about one another.  Romance is a crazy business.  In short we become completely “twitterpated”.

Unfortunately, “twitterpation” is a transient state.  Because romance is made of a group of feelings (happiness, passion, excitement, anticipation, etc) it is not sustainable over extended periods of time.  Eventually those feelings of excitement and anticipation will wain as the realties of life enter our relationship.

Let’s face it.  There is nothing inherently exciting or romantic about day to day living, and yet it is in the day to day living that intimacy thrives.  Who else knows the “naked” you like your spouse?  Consider for a moment those things your spouse knows about you that no else knows  because they are just too intimate.

“If romance is the lasso that draws us together, intimacy is the bond that keeps us together.”  Intimacy begins when the masks come off, and couples begin to bond at a level deeper than surface feelings. 

2.  Artificial Intimacy can mask a weak bond.

In his book, A Lifelong Love, Gary Thomas describes “Artificial intimacy” as building a relationship based on the feelings surrounding the romance stage.  Rather than develop an intimate bond, a oneness between them, couples focus their emotions and energy on the excitement of the new developments (weddings, buying a house, raising children) in their lives.  It is the circumstances of their lives that draw them together rather than the bond of their intimacy.  This is the reason why so many marriages fail after the children leave home.  Without the distraction of shared circumstances, marriages built on artificial intimacy inevitably flounder.

3.  Social media can sabotage intimacy.

When we share significant thoughts, feelings or events, with the world BEFORE we share them with our spouse, we sabotage our own intimacy.  Intimate couples carefully preserve the “right of first report.”  In other words, your spouse gets the first report of those things that impact your life, a promotion, a loss, a discovery.   Meaningful events bind couples together and increase intimacy.  Throwing your feelings to the world robs your spouse of the opportunity to privately share those things in your life that impact your feelings.

4.  Intimacy is not just about Sex

While sexual intimacy plays a very important role in a couple’s relationship, it is not the only intimacy factor.  The bonding of a man and woman is much deeper than just the bond of physical intimacy.  In Genesis 2:24, the Lord refers to a man and his wife as “one flesh.”  This means we are bonded to our spouse not just physically, but also emotionally and spiritually.   We cannot experience the full joy and depth of the marriage relationship without becoming intimately bonded on all levels — not just sexually.

5.  Intimacy is intentional

Unlike romance, intimacy is a focused effort.  Couples who want to increase their intimacy must intentionally communicate on a deeper level.  They schedule time together, alone, to talk, to celebrate, to share, to commune, to pray.  It takes work to keep our goals and dreams in alignment, to develop shared purposes.  Each season of life brings a new set of challenges to be discussed and planned.  Couples who are intimately bonded communicate about all aspects their lives. 

6.  Intimacy is God’s Gift to the Married Couple.

God designed marriage to be a love so intimate it would reflect Christ’s love for the church.  Marriage represents a level of sacrifice and dedication beyond anything we can achieve without the Holy Spirit actively participating in our relationship.   In the well-known “love” chapter 1 Corinthians 13, the apostle Paul refers to how poorly we visualize the amazing beauty of God’s love.  He describes it as a dim glass that distorts our view. 

Watch this amazing video of a color blind man seeing color for the first time.

The man had lived in a world where he saw dimly.  The depth and beauty of color was missing from his experience.  The bond of intimacy brings a color and depth to our relationship that goes far beyond our feelings or our circumstances. 

A marriage built on romance or feelings is like a dim glass.  We cannot fully appreciate the beauty of marital intimacy until we look at marriage through the lens of God’s plan.